Parenting Through a Jewish Lens Gave Me a Sense of Community

            The summer of 2009 was a time of big changes for our family.  My husband and I had made the decision to move our children – then ages 8, 6, and 2 – from Pittsburgh to the Boston area.  We were happy to be moving to a place where we had family just a short drive away, but we were torn about leaving the unique and close-knit Jewish community we had come to love in Pittsburgh.  After unpacking our boxes and reprogramming the “home” button on our GPS, one of our first goals was to look for a Jewish community where we could begin to connect with other families like us.

            The task proved to be more difficult than we had expected.  In Pittsburgh our older kids had gone to a day school with 20-30 kids per grade and in which all the families knew each other; now there were nearly 60 kids in each of their grades, so it was easy to fly under the radar as a new family.  Moreover, since neither child was entering the school as a kindergartner, we missed out on the “getting acquainted” activities tailored for new families.  Our two-year-old wouldn’t be old enough for Jewish preschool for another year, so we couldn’t connect through that venue either.

            We next looked to find community in the synagogue setting.  We attended High Holiday services at Temple Aliyah and began going to Shabbat services there, too.  However, as any parent knows, most of our conversations after services were limited by our children’s needs – especially our two-year-old, who by the end of a Shabbat service and kiddush lunch was ready to nap (if we took him home) or decompensate (if we did not)!

            Some of the young families I’d begun talking to at Temple Aliyah invited me to join a Parenting Through aJewish Lens class that would begin there later that fall.  I decided to give it a try, admittedly more for the chance to get to know people than for the Jewish content.  It turned out that the Jewish content was what made it such a great way to get to know people.  As a newcomer, it can be difficult to move beyond “So what brought you to the Boston area?”  But as I sat in a classroom week after week, talking about Jewish texts and concepts and how they apply to our lives and those of our children, I got to know what really mattered to my classmates, who were gradually becoming my community. 

Because the class met at Temple Aliyah, I got to know not just my classmates and our PTJL educator, but also Temple Aliyah itself.  I saw congregants arrive for evening services and committee meetings; Rabbi Perkins was a guest speaker one evening; and before long I came to associate the place itself with a supportive community interested in Jewish learning and practice.

            What did I gain from my PTJL experience?  I gained a sense of community with a group of people who are parents like me, and I found a synagogue in which I have since celebrated my own adult bat mitzvah, and where I look forward to celebrating when my children become b’nai mitzvah in the years to come.

Heidi Schwartz lives in Needham with her husband and their three children. She took part in PTJL at Temple Aliyah in 2010.

 

 

With the Smell of Fresh Challah, Shabbat is Here

Each Friday morning, children and families arriving to school at the Bernice B. Godine JCC Early Learning Center are greeted with the smell of fresh challah and are invited to take a small taste of the warm bread.

My office sits next to the entrance to the preschool and I’ve come to anticipate both the glee that Friday morning challah brings, and the oft-repeated conversations of parents and caregivers Mondays through Thursdays, patiently explaining to eager toddlers and preschoolers: there’s no challah today, sweetie, it’s Tuesday.

These repeated exchanges illustrate for me at least a few important points about toddler development:

                                                               

Toddlers learn through the five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and tasting. Spiritual practices that engage the senses have the greatest impact. Toddlers who cannot yet articulate the word “challah” recognize it by sight, taste, and smell.  A simple song like Shabbat Shalom (Bin Bam) indicates that “Shabbat is Here!” (another musical hit with the toddler and preschool set). 

It doesn’t take much to make a big impact. But it does take repetition and routine.  I’ve seen many a toddler sing “happy birthday” to the Shabbat candles.  If Shabbat candles were as common as birthday candles, it will be the opposite. 

Young children have not yet developed a sense of time. “Yesterday,” “next week,” and “Friday” are not yet meaningful concepts. Harried parents already know this: think of the futility of telling your toddler you need to leave in five minutes, or ten. Toddlers live fully in the “now,” in the present (an enviable spiritual state, but frustrating when you are late for work!).  Ritual is one way that we help mark time for young children. Repetitive ritual creates consistency and feelings of safety and security.

What children (of all ages) want and need most of all is the whole-hearted attention of loving and caring parents and caregivers. The Sabbath gives us permission to set aside the to-do list and everyday stresses, to stop being productive. Whether you make challah from scratch using your great grandmother’s beloved recipe or can barely manage to defrost a mini bagel from the freezer, who you are, right now, is more than enough.   

My fifth point speaks not to what is developmentally-appropriate for toddlers, but rather, what is “developmentally-appropriate” for families with toddlers:

It’s natural that parents of young children feel that they have little time for themselves, or for their partners.

Taking time for yourself as an individual helps you to be the loving parent – loving person - you wish to be.  Everyone tells you to get more sleep and exercise. I want to encourage you to pay attention to your intellectual and spiritual needs. Make time to talk with peers and with your partner about what matters most, not just what’s most urgent.  These are the conversations that strengthen your family and feed your soul, and if you’re partnered, will remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. 

Each Fall I meet with parents of young children in the ten week course Parenting Through a Jewish Lens www.hebrewcollege.edu/parenting.It’s never simple for individuals or couples to carve out time to take the class – even with the free on-site babysitting – but once there, they find that the Jewish wisdom we explore can transform their personal and family journeys. 

Rabbi Julie Zupan serves as the Jewish Family Educator for the Early Learning Centers of the Jewish Community Centers of Greater Boston (http://bostonjcc.org/Home.aspx) and is on the staff of Reform Jewish Outreach Boston (http://www.reformjewishoutreachboston.org/). She is an instructor for Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, a ten week course offered by Hebrew College.  Rabbi Zupan can be reached at rabbizupan@hotmail.com.

A Jewish Parenting Group Shapes My Road Map

Five years ago this week I started on my Jewish parenting journey when my son was born.  As an interfaith couple we had decided to raise a Jewish family, but neither of us had specific traditions we felt we had to observe, and therefore we had an open road map for the paths we might take.  We knew we were having a boy, but we didn’t know whether we wanted family from far and wide to come and visit a mere week after his birth, as they would if we held a bris according to the traditional schedule. We consulted with a Rabbi with whom we had studied in a class offered through the Union for ReformJudaism.  She talked to us about the traditions of a bris, and gave us suggestions for how we could integrate them with our family’s needs, beliefs and abilities.  Through these discussions we were able to honor our newborn son in a way that was comfortable for us, and that gave him a starting point for his own Jewish journey.

Shortly after he was born, I started attending a Parenting Through a Jewish Lens class, then known as Ikkarim.  Through readings of a range of Jewish texts and thoughtful discussions with my classmates, our family road map started to take form and my husband and I were able to begin our own family traditions.  As parents, each day we encounter decisions we have to make for our children, and there is rarely only one right answer.  I found PTJL helped me make choices that guided us along a path that was right for us. 

Recently, I was asked to chair the Alumni and Friends of PTJL Advisory Group, working with an enthusiastic staff committed to assisting all who have taken the class, and those considering what the class is about.  We have an exciting year of events coming up for the entire Boston Jewish community, including our Latkes & Light Hanukkah party, and Matzah Matters, our family Passover event.  For those on the committee, aside from planning the events, we use our time during meetings to have text-based discussions with exciting leaders, and to talk about issues with which we continue to struggle with as parents.

When the course is over, the experience is not.  I continue to be involved with PTJL because my family benefits from the learning experiences and support offered through the Alumni Group.  We welcome all who are interested in joining the committee.  Please contact Marcy or Elisha at parenting@hebrewcollege.edu for more information.

For me, being involved in the Alumni and Friends of PTJL Advisory Group is a way that I can stay connected to learning and continue to be an active part of my son’s Jewish journey.

Moms Helping Moms

Karen Tal-Makhluf, a 2013-2014 PTJL participant, shares her story as a new mom seeking guidance from the Visiting Moms Program of Jewish Family & Children's Service. This article first appeared in the Jewish Journal on Thursday, August 22, 2013.

PEABODY — Like many new mothers, Karen Tal-Makhluf spent the early days after the birth of her first child last fall in a state of exhaustion. Her son — a healthy 7 pound, 8 ounce boy named Ethan — was born after more than 30 hours of labor and an emergency C-section. Although surrounded by her loving husband Joel and a caring extended family, Tal-Makhluf felt lost, confused and unsure of herself. Desperate for some adult interaction, the 29-year-old Peabody mother remembered reading at the hospital about the Lauren & Mark Rubin Visiting Moms program of Jewish Family & Children’s Service, a home visiting program for pregnant women and parents of newborns who want support and companionship, and she decided to reach out. The program was then able to connect her with Arlene Agree, a 61-year old Swampscott mother of three.
Since December, Agree has been making weekly visits to Karen and Ethan, and by all accounts the pairing has been a success, providing muchappreciated support to Tal-Makhluf, and a satisfying volunteer opportunity for Agree.
"I just loved Arlene’s laid back and non-judgmental attitude," explained Tal-Makhluf. "I had never looked after any baby in my life. Everything was a new experience for me, and it was lonely being all day with a baby and not knowing what to do. Nothing can truly prepare you for what to expect during motherhood. I wanted to do everything right, and was second-guessing myself. Arlene has a very practical sense of motherhood and raising children. She is very comforting and soothing. In the beginning you are so tired. It seems like so much work to pack up the baby and diaper bag to go out, and yet you are so desperate for adult interaction. It was so nice to have someone come to my home, and hold the baby and really listen to me. It means the world. What I love about the program is that it focuses on supporting moms."
According to Debbie Whitehill, a licensed social worker and director of the Visiting Moms Program, Tal-Makhluf’s experience is common to new mothers of first or subsequent children. The home visitation program is based on the recognition that parenting is a genuinely difficult job, and that most mothers are unprepared for the magnitude of stresses and new challenges. For nearly 25 years, the Visiting Moms program now available on the North Shore has served hundreds of mothers and babies in the Greater Boston area annually. Trained volunteers visit mothers and their babies at home for one hour a week through the first months of infancy or up to the baby’s first birthday. The free program is open to families of all faiths and races.
"What we are hoping is that the additional support we offer to moms with newborns will help them gain confidence and competence in their parenting role," Whitehill said. "We do that through supportive, nonjudgmental, empathic relationships."
New moms are referred in a variety of ways. Typical issues for new mothers run the gamut from being far away from family and feeling isolated, to being sleep deprived and feeling insecure about decision making, to feeling overwhelmed with responsibility for the care of another life 24/7, to more significant adjustment issues such as post-partum depression and anxiety.
Volunteer "moms" such as Agree receive 10 hours of training before beginning visits, and are continually supervised by clinicians on staff. The ultimate goal is for volunteer moms to play a supportive role for the new parent.
Agree, a seasoned volunteer and now a new grandmother herself, finds the role especially fulfilling.
"This for me has been the most successful volunteer position I have ever held because by working one-on-one with someone, you really feel you are making a difference," she said. "I have found being a mother really fulfilling, and I am pleased to be able to help someone else achieve that."
The Visiting Moms program is continually seeking volunteers. Call 781-647-5327 or go to www.jfcsboston.org.

Between Work, School and Soccer Practice

All parents want the best for their children. They want to teach them important core values like respect, kindness and responsibility. But how to even think about such matters when our schedules are so hectic?

Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, a 10-week class offered at sites throughout Greater Boston, allows parents the time to stop and reflect on a variety of parenting issues, including how to help children internalize core values. Participants enjoy rich discussions with distinguished faculty members; they learn from experts and draw on their own experiences.

As a parent and administrator of the program, I am thrilled to also be a participant in Parenting Through a Jewish Lens this year. For me, I have been curious about how to make traditional Bible stories more vivid for my preschool-aged children. How can I bring those stories into our regular bedtime routine? I look forward to finding out answers to these and many more questions. Join me and other parents who seek to deepen our understanding.

For more information and/or to register, please visit www.hebrewcollege.edu/parenting or visit and "like" our Facebook page, www.facebook.com/parentinglens. 

Back to School Isn't Only For Kids

Margie Bogdanow, a PTJL instructor, shares her summer reflections on being a teacher and a student. This post originally appeared on Margie's blog.



As I sit on the porch in New Hampshire with the sun shining and the pond glistening through the trees in the distance, fall feels very far away. If only there was a way to slow down time.  (So far the only way I’ve found to do that is to “plank” – that tortuous position where somehow your “core” is strengthened – then I take notice of each drawn out second as I try to hold on for as long as possible. But I know that I can only plank for a minute or two a day – the rest of the day, time passes much too quickly). Before we know it, summer will pass and school will start.  For most, school implies children.  Children learn, parents teach.  However, one of the most important lessons I learned early on in my parenting is that children teach and parents learn.

When I first became aware of that, I was awestruck.  It just wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  I had thought that I would impart my vast body of knowledge – acquired through twenty-seven years of living – and that my children would just soak it up. Wrong.  I still had lots to learn.  I began seeking out knowledge about parents and children, and that has kept me learning ever since.

A few years ago, I had the great privilege of joining the Adult Learning Faculty at Hebrew College to serve as an instructor in the program “Parenting Through A Jewish Lens.” I loved teaching the course, exploring with parents how Judaism informs their parenting journey.  Parenting has been going on for many generations and, although there are some differences, in many ways the struggles of parents have been the same throughout the ages; children have always begun as dependent creatures and parents have always striven to help them become independent creatures.  Children have always challenged their parents in a myriad of ways.  Parents have struggled with finding the best ways to teach, to discipline, and to help their children grow – to hold close and to let go. As a living religion, Judaism provides wisdom on these topics.  Participants might not always agree with the “wisdom,” but debating this makes for wonderful discussions, and discussion is an integral part of Jewish learning.  In our course of study we created new Jewish wisdom together and built connections to one another.

I taught, they learned and then a funny thing happened.  They began to teach and I began to learn, just as had been my surprising experience 30 years earlier. And then, as previously, I realized that I wanted to know more. This time my appetite was whetted to learn more about Judaism.  Although I have a strong Jewish background, I realized there was so much more to learn. I asked myself the very Jewish question (found in Ethics of our Fathers) “If not now, when?” So last September, I enrolled in Me’ah, Hebrew College’s two year adult learning program, and began my 100 hours of Jewish study. I became a student where I was on the Faculty.  I went from teacher to learner once again.  Taking a class, being a learner, is a commitment – it takes time and energy.  Yet, the rewards for me have been wonderful.  Being exposed to great teachers, conversing with thoughtful students, and “connecting the dots” of living an authentic Jewish life has been powerful.

And so, as I sit watching the pond, I am reminded that learning and teaching are totally intertwined and that, although challenging, the rewards of learning are immense. I’ll never learn it all, neither about parenting nor about Judaism, and so for me this is a life-long journey. While I’m not able to stop time to understand everything I’d like to understand, or to make summer last forever, I am looking forward to reconnecting with my fellow students after a summer away and diving back in to learning.

[For more information on Parenting Through a Jewish Lens and Me’ah visit http://www.hebrewcollege.edu/adult-learning

Introducing Our Newest Member of the PTJL Team

Hi! I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Marcy Leiman and I’m thrilled to be joining Hebrew College’s Adult Learning Department as Associate Director of Parenting Through a Jewish Lens.

To tell you a bit more about my professional journey, I have lived in the Boston area since 1998, when I first began working at Hebrew College’s Adult Learning Department as Administrative Assistant for, and staff member of Jewish InterAction. Since then, I’ve moved on to become a communications specialist in a number of advertising and public relation firms and taught first grade in various elementary schools in the Greater Boston area.

I live in Needham, MA with my husband and two children, ages two and five. They are the best part of me and I love being a mother and partner in their lives. We belong to Temple Aliyah in Needham and are active members of Combined Jewish Philanthropies.

I currently serve on the board of Combined Jewish Philanthropies Women’s Philanthropy and I am the co-chair of Temple Aliyah’s Temple Tot committee. In both of these roles, I’ve worked with lay leaders to plan, organize and execute events for families of young children. I have publicized these events through social media and traditional media outlets – skills that I look forward to bringing to my new role at Hebrew College as well.

Over the next two months I will be working with Elisha Gechter to prepare to take on this role. Elisha will soon take on a new assignment herself: she will be moving into a community organizing role for our department that puts her out in the field, meeting with parents in PTJL and young adults interested in Eser.

In addition to helping to organize and run Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, I am very excited about participating in the program and learning with all of you. I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about the program and the classes. In fact, one parent described the class as “an interesting and excellent class that addresses my concerns as a person and helps me reflect on my role as a parent.” I know that I will gain further insights into my views of parenting and how I want my children to grow as Jewish people.

Again, I’m thrilled to be returning to the Hebrew College community and to be working with area synagogues and liaisons. I look forward to meeting with all of you in the days and weeks to come and to joining you in your educational journeys.