Moms Helping Moms

Karen Tal-Makhluf, a 2013-2014 PTJL participant, shares her story as a new mom seeking guidance from the Visiting Moms Program of Jewish Family & Children's Service. This article first appeared in the Jewish Journal on Thursday, August 22, 2013.

PEABODY — Like many new mothers, Karen Tal-Makhluf spent the early days after the birth of her first child last fall in a state of exhaustion. Her son — a healthy 7 pound, 8 ounce boy named Ethan — was born after more than 30 hours of labor and an emergency C-section. Although surrounded by her loving husband Joel and a caring extended family, Tal-Makhluf felt lost, confused and unsure of herself. Desperate for some adult interaction, the 29-year-old Peabody mother remembered reading at the hospital about the Lauren & Mark Rubin Visiting Moms program of Jewish Family & Children’s Service, a home visiting program for pregnant women and parents of newborns who want support and companionship, and she decided to reach out. The program was then able to connect her with Arlene Agree, a 61-year old Swampscott mother of three.
Since December, Agree has been making weekly visits to Karen and Ethan, and by all accounts the pairing has been a success, providing muchappreciated support to Tal-Makhluf, and a satisfying volunteer opportunity for Agree.
"I just loved Arlene’s laid back and non-judgmental attitude," explained Tal-Makhluf. "I had never looked after any baby in my life. Everything was a new experience for me, and it was lonely being all day with a baby and not knowing what to do. Nothing can truly prepare you for what to expect during motherhood. I wanted to do everything right, and was second-guessing myself. Arlene has a very practical sense of motherhood and raising children. She is very comforting and soothing. In the beginning you are so tired. It seems like so much work to pack up the baby and diaper bag to go out, and yet you are so desperate for adult interaction. It was so nice to have someone come to my home, and hold the baby and really listen to me. It means the world. What I love about the program is that it focuses on supporting moms."
According to Debbie Whitehill, a licensed social worker and director of the Visiting Moms Program, Tal-Makhluf’s experience is common to new mothers of first or subsequent children. The home visitation program is based on the recognition that parenting is a genuinely difficult job, and that most mothers are unprepared for the magnitude of stresses and new challenges. For nearly 25 years, the Visiting Moms program now available on the North Shore has served hundreds of mothers and babies in the Greater Boston area annually. Trained volunteers visit mothers and their babies at home for one hour a week through the first months of infancy or up to the baby’s first birthday. The free program is open to families of all faiths and races.
"What we are hoping is that the additional support we offer to moms with newborns will help them gain confidence and competence in their parenting role," Whitehill said. "We do that through supportive, nonjudgmental, empathic relationships."
New moms are referred in a variety of ways. Typical issues for new mothers run the gamut from being far away from family and feeling isolated, to being sleep deprived and feeling insecure about decision making, to feeling overwhelmed with responsibility for the care of another life 24/7, to more significant adjustment issues such as post-partum depression and anxiety.
Volunteer "moms" such as Agree receive 10 hours of training before beginning visits, and are continually supervised by clinicians on staff. The ultimate goal is for volunteer moms to play a supportive role for the new parent.
Agree, a seasoned volunteer and now a new grandmother herself, finds the role especially fulfilling.
"This for me has been the most successful volunteer position I have ever held because by working one-on-one with someone, you really feel you are making a difference," she said. "I have found being a mother really fulfilling, and I am pleased to be able to help someone else achieve that."
The Visiting Moms program is continually seeking volunteers. Call 781-647-5327 or go to www.jfcsboston.org.

Between Work, School and Soccer Practice

All parents want the best for their children. They want to teach them important core values like respect, kindness and responsibility. But how to even think about such matters when our schedules are so hectic?

Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, a 10-week class offered at sites throughout Greater Boston, allows parents the time to stop and reflect on a variety of parenting issues, including how to help children internalize core values. Participants enjoy rich discussions with distinguished faculty members; they learn from experts and draw on their own experiences.

As a parent and administrator of the program, I am thrilled to also be a participant in Parenting Through a Jewish Lens this year. For me, I have been curious about how to make traditional Bible stories more vivid for my preschool-aged children. How can I bring those stories into our regular bedtime routine? I look forward to finding out answers to these and many more questions. Join me and other parents who seek to deepen our understanding.

For more information and/or to register, please visit www.hebrewcollege.edu/parenting or visit and "like" our Facebook page, www.facebook.com/parentinglens. 

Back to School Isn't Only For Kids

Margie Bogdanow, a PTJL instructor, shares her summer reflections on being a teacher and a student. This post originally appeared on Margie's blog.



As I sit on the porch in New Hampshire with the sun shining and the pond glistening through the trees in the distance, fall feels very far away. If only there was a way to slow down time.  (So far the only way I’ve found to do that is to “plank” – that tortuous position where somehow your “core” is strengthened – then I take notice of each drawn out second as I try to hold on for as long as possible. But I know that I can only plank for a minute or two a day – the rest of the day, time passes much too quickly). Before we know it, summer will pass and school will start.  For most, school implies children.  Children learn, parents teach.  However, one of the most important lessons I learned early on in my parenting is that children teach and parents learn.

When I first became aware of that, I was awestruck.  It just wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  I had thought that I would impart my vast body of knowledge – acquired through twenty-seven years of living – and that my children would just soak it up. Wrong.  I still had lots to learn.  I began seeking out knowledge about parents and children, and that has kept me learning ever since.

A few years ago, I had the great privilege of joining the Adult Learning Faculty at Hebrew College to serve as an instructor in the program “Parenting Through A Jewish Lens.” I loved teaching the course, exploring with parents how Judaism informs their parenting journey.  Parenting has been going on for many generations and, although there are some differences, in many ways the struggles of parents have been the same throughout the ages; children have always begun as dependent creatures and parents have always striven to help them become independent creatures.  Children have always challenged their parents in a myriad of ways.  Parents have struggled with finding the best ways to teach, to discipline, and to help their children grow – to hold close and to let go. As a living religion, Judaism provides wisdom on these topics.  Participants might not always agree with the “wisdom,” but debating this makes for wonderful discussions, and discussion is an integral part of Jewish learning.  In our course of study we created new Jewish wisdom together and built connections to one another.

I taught, they learned and then a funny thing happened.  They began to teach and I began to learn, just as had been my surprising experience 30 years earlier. And then, as previously, I realized that I wanted to know more. This time my appetite was whetted to learn more about Judaism.  Although I have a strong Jewish background, I realized there was so much more to learn. I asked myself the very Jewish question (found in Ethics of our Fathers) “If not now, when?” So last September, I enrolled in Me’ah, Hebrew College’s two year adult learning program, and began my 100 hours of Jewish study. I became a student where I was on the Faculty.  I went from teacher to learner once again.  Taking a class, being a learner, is a commitment – it takes time and energy.  Yet, the rewards for me have been wonderful.  Being exposed to great teachers, conversing with thoughtful students, and “connecting the dots” of living an authentic Jewish life has been powerful.

And so, as I sit watching the pond, I am reminded that learning and teaching are totally intertwined and that, although challenging, the rewards of learning are immense. I’ll never learn it all, neither about parenting nor about Judaism, and so for me this is a life-long journey. While I’m not able to stop time to understand everything I’d like to understand, or to make summer last forever, I am looking forward to reconnecting with my fellow students after a summer away and diving back in to learning.

[For more information on Parenting Through a Jewish Lens and Me’ah visit http://www.hebrewcollege.edu/adult-learning

Introducing Our Newest Member of the PTJL Team

Hi! I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Marcy Leiman and I’m thrilled to be joining Hebrew College’s Adult Learning Department as Associate Director of Parenting Through a Jewish Lens.

To tell you a bit more about my professional journey, I have lived in the Boston area since 1998, when I first began working at Hebrew College’s Adult Learning Department as Administrative Assistant for, and staff member of Jewish InterAction. Since then, I’ve moved on to become a communications specialist in a number of advertising and public relation firms and taught first grade in various elementary schools in the Greater Boston area.

I live in Needham, MA with my husband and two children, ages two and five. They are the best part of me and I love being a mother and partner in their lives. We belong to Temple Aliyah in Needham and are active members of Combined Jewish Philanthropies.

I currently serve on the board of Combined Jewish Philanthropies Women’s Philanthropy and I am the co-chair of Temple Aliyah’s Temple Tot committee. In both of these roles, I’ve worked with lay leaders to plan, organize and execute events for families of young children. I have publicized these events through social media and traditional media outlets – skills that I look forward to bringing to my new role at Hebrew College as well.

Over the next two months I will be working with Elisha Gechter to prepare to take on this role. Elisha will soon take on a new assignment herself: she will be moving into a community organizing role for our department that puts her out in the field, meeting with parents in PTJL and young adults interested in Eser.

In addition to helping to organize and run Parenting Through a Jewish Lens, I am very excited about participating in the program and learning with all of you. I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about the program and the classes. In fact, one parent described the class as “an interesting and excellent class that addresses my concerns as a person and helps me reflect on my role as a parent.” I know that I will gain further insights into my views of parenting and how I want my children to grow as Jewish people.

Again, I’m thrilled to be returning to the Hebrew College community and to be working with area synagogues and liaisons. I look forward to meeting with all of you in the days and weeks to come and to joining you in your educational journeys.

A Resource That’s Even Better Than The Internet (Or Books)

Mimi Borden lives with her family in Lincoln and just completed Parenting Through a Jewish Lens in Newton.

Since the afternoon in high school when my cross-country coach (who was my history teacher, a novelist and a stand-up comedian) shared his philosophy of never being unprepared, preparation has been key to everything I do. Before starting any project, I like to research, investigate, ask questions and then make decisions that are as informed as possible. When pregnant with our first child, our bedroom became a maze of parenting advice. Even though he wasn’t born yet, I had already read books on sibling rivalry, playground politics, and rainy-day crafts. I was going to be so prepared for our child, that all of my doubts, fears and uncertainties would be addressed before they even had a chance to materialize. In retrospect, it seems like it wouldn’t be too hard to guess how successful that strategy was.

Fast forward 10 years and while my inclination is still to research and analyze, most of the time – through work and homework, lessons, play-dates  meals and laundry - I find myself flying by the seat of my pants. There have been days when I felt lucky just to have a clean pair of pants. When I’m being honest, I admit that I remember only passing fragments of what I read years ago, have the time and focus to read just a fraction of what I want to, and know that searching for parenting advice on the Internet invariably ends in a wonderfully chaotic maze of stuff (including more books in my Amazon shopping cart than I’ll ever read). What’s more, interactions with my children so rarely unfold as I would have expected that most of the time my careful planning flies out the window before the conversation has really gotten started. I feel like I have so many unfinished thoughts, so many questions all swirling around at once. And at the center of it all is this desire to slow everything down, for us all to feel happy and nurtured and whole.

As a possible antidote to some of this, my husband and I signed up for Parenting Through a Jewish Lens at Temple Emanuel in Newton this past winter and spring. Despite the fact that our children are 7 and 10, the instructors assured me that the class would be as relevant for us as for new or expecting parents. I’m thrilled that we followed through.

First off, as a parent, I don’t think that there is any amount of reading that could match the experience of having weekly sessions with such smart, knowledgeable, kind, caring and compassionate instructors as Rabbi Michelle Robinson and Judy Elkin. No amount of Internet searching, for example, could replace sitting in a room and hearing how Rabbi Robinson talks about doing morning and evening prayers with children. It’s this Jewish blend of mindfulness that has slowed down our mornings and our evenings. It has made our children more aware of themselves and their worlds and reminded us of all the wonderful possibilities of being a parent.

The small class setting was also integral to the experience. With six couples and our instructors, all who care deeply about their children and the world, a community sprang up – one that supported and challenged one another. Hearing others talk about the relationships with their own parents, fears of being a new parent, questions about faith and Israel and observance, made the class meaningful in a way that it could never have been if we were doing it on our own. Sharing this experience with a close community heightened the questions and the answers and constantly reminded us that we’re all in it together.

The lessons that emerged from the class, I think and hope will make a lasting impression on our family life and our parenting styles. These lessons range from the relatively straightforward to the truly profound, and I know that we will be thinking about their evolving meanings for our family for many years. Parenting through a Jewish lens means to me that we are mindful of special moments and should take the time to mark them, that we are always there for people who are making their way through difficult times, that being part of communities is an essential part of life, as is being true to oneself and nurturing our children to do the same. This view makes a difference in how we parent. Applying these teachings in meaningful ways enriches both the big picture of our lives as well as the day to day.

When I think about how PTJL has had an impact, I am also heartened by the way that Judaism is now positioned for our family. While enrolled in the class, two devastating tragedies took place very close to home. Having class to go to as an outlet for questions and confusion raised by both the shootings in Newtown and the bombings in Boston was invaluable. Our wise and thoughtful guides throughout the process reminded us that Judaism has dealt with tragedies since the beginning of time. Out of this has come wonderful stories of bravery, uncertainty and triumph that can help families talk to children about their fears and anxieties and chart a path for them back to something positive. Talking about Esther’s journey in the Purim story or the people who had the faith to light the menorah during Hanukkah filled the void when we didn’t know how otherwise to talk about what was happening in the world. It balanced tragedy with heroism and gave us all something hopeful to think about in the face of so much sadness.

For us, PTJL has served many purposes and bridged many gaps. For me, it certainly tapped into my need for preparation, and in a way that helped to slow down all the swirling questions in my head and to connect me more deeply to Judaism, a new community and most of all my family. To celebrate all the ‘aha’ moments we experienced during our class – and to all the questions we still have – I breathe and smile and say the Shehecheyanu.

PTJL is being offered at more than a dozen location throughout greater Boston this fall with amazing instructors - we hope you'll join us.

Our Final Class Wasn't So Final

A Needham family shares their long anticipated experience in Parenting Through a Jewish Lens and how their final class wasn't so final.

After six years of wanting to take Parenting Through a Jewish Lens we finally made it happen this year. The 10 week PTJL course at Temple Beth Shalom in Needham certainly lived up to our expectations. It gave us access to Jewish ideas and practices, an understanding of how these can inform our everyday lives, and a deeper appreciation for the things we were already doing in our homes. It allowed me and my husband a chance to explore the “why” not just the “what.”

Forging connections in the busy world of working and parenting can be challenging, but this class provided a perfect space to do so. Not only did we learn about the diversity of backgrounds among the participants, our facilitator, Ronit, brought her own story and warmth to the course. Yet in our 10 weeks together it felt like we were only skimming the surface. We had so much to discuss - so much on our minds as parents – and there was much from our discussions that we wanted to bring back to our homes. As a class, we decided to continue meeting even after the program wrapped up.

We thought it would be fitting to start with a get together and share something from home. My husband and I hosted a Saturday evening potluck (It was a miracle that we found a night that worked in everyone’s hectic schedules) and each couple brought a dish – from a novel carrot mint salad to a familiar, comforting dairy kugel. My husband loves to cook and made a knockout salmon dish that we all enjoyed.

Ronit came with cards, posters and a diverse sampling of sources to spur a conversation on Shabbat. We each picked an image that we connected to, explained why, and shared where we were in our practice. Our conversation uncovered the power of community – for some in the room Shabbat was a regular part of life, while  others are still figuring out if and how they might want it to be. We culminated with an inclusive, musical havdallah service.

For each of us in the class, going to the post-course meeting was a chance to demonstrate – with our feet and as well as with our kitchens – that we were committed to Jewish learning and to using it to inform our parenting. We each made time to have a conversation that mattered to us, and made time to keep up connections with our new friends. Taking the time to educate ourselves as Jewish parents provided an important gift to us as individuals that would ultimately benefit our whole family.

We are thrilled that the group is planning to continue getting-together for peer-led explorations of items we didn't fully have time for in the course (including the Ten Challenges by Felder). If the class provided us with a path of sound bites to follow as time and reality allowed, then we hope this offshoot will continue to nurture our paths. We’ll keep getting together to provide support for one another in Jewish learning – and parenting!

And … I hope you don’t wait as long as we did to sign up for this course.

PTJL Educator Ronit Ziv-Kreger and her family enjoying a fun moment

Ever Been to a Truly Meaningful Seder?

Parenting Through a Jewish Lens Alumni Advisory Group Chair Jessica Boatright reflects on making Passover Seders significant and shares a special family tradition. 

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that we recently had a great event to help alumni and friends of Parenting Through a Jewish Lens prepare for Passover. The afternoon included two short (and inspiring!) classes for parents – one on making the seder meaningful for our kids, led by Rabbi Julie Zupan, and the other on making the seder meaningful for adults, led by Rabbi Natan Margalit.

I have been reflecting on the session with Natan, and what it meant to me as a parent and individual. Natan began our session with a question that really struck me – he asked the group if they had ever been to a seder that was truly meaningful to them, as adults. Less than half the room raised their hands. His assertion, which received a lot of knowing looks, was that as parents we spend a lot of time thinking about how to make holidays and traditions meaningful and fun for our kids, and not very much time thinking about how to make them meaningful for ourselves. Moreover, as we learned as PTJL participants, helping our kids find meaning and connection is dependent not just on how we teach but on how we are – on how our kids perceive our own connection to Judaism. Natan’s Passover class was about nurturing this connection.

Luckily for me, I was able to raise my hand to Natan’s question, as I have been to not just one, but to many seders that have been meaningful to me as an adult. One reason for this is a tradition that we started with my mother’s family of having two very different seders – a traditional seder on the first night of Passover, and a more modern interpretation of a seder on the second night. Each year someone would find a new Hagaddah to use on the second night, usually aligned with a political theme (feminism, the labor movement, etc) or an expression of the seder (the puppet-based “We Tell It To Our Children” is a family favorite). Doing these two seders allowed us to deepen our connection to the holiday – reminding us that the story is both ancient and contemporary, that the seder is to be experienced both collectively and individually, and that Passover reminds us not just of our connections to the Jewish people but of our connections to humanity as well.

As the busy mother of two young children, however, it is easy to fall into the trap of forgetting the grown-ups, and myself, in the seders. While I might decorate the table with plastic figurines of the plagues for the kids to play with, I am hard-pressed to make time to find a new Hagaddah every year. But Natan’s class and my memories have me thinking – perhaps we don’t need a whole new seder to get us thinking. Instead, we can look for moments, maybe even just one, that we can add to help us find new meaning. It doesn’t even need to take much time. Put an orange (or a tomato) on your seder plate for the first time. When you raise each cup of wine, take a moment to tie it to a modern social justice issue. There are plenty of resources online, in print, and elsewhere to get you started in picking something. Below are a few ideas from Natan and me:

Beginners by Denise Levertov

The Empty Seder Plate Responsive Reading

Resource Guide from the Religious Action Center for Reform Judaism

American Jewish World Service Passover Resources

T’ruah Passover Materials 2013

Modern Day Plagues? New York Times Article about Locusts in Israel and Egypt This Year

Resources that both Julie Zupan and Natan Margalit shared at the Matzah Matters event